Monday, February 3, 2014

Monday Musings

As I mentioned on Friday, we have graduated from all our baby classes. There were a lot: Introduction to Newborn Care, Breastfeeding Basics, and Childbirth Prep. On top of that, I have prenatal yoga and meetings with the doula. I am pretty sure I am equipped with all the information one could have prior to having a baby. I have to say that I find it odd that the Newborn Care was one class for three hours, and the Childbirth class is four meetings over the course of a month. It would seem like you would need to know more about how to care for a baby than how to have one, but I haven't yet done either, so I will have to report back. Some things I learned during this baby bonanza:

1. Holding your baby like a football is actually a recommended practice.

2. Some people think it is preferable to use washcloths to wipe babies. These people clearly do not believe in fecal bacteria. These people are not me.

3. Talking about, examining, counting, and generally fixating on bodily excrement will be your new normal.

4. The majority of people who allow themselves to be filmed for birthing videos are (1) unfamiliar with the concept of dermatology and (2) love tattoos, particularly around their bellybuttons.

5. There is nothing less sexy than a fully engorged breast.

6. It seems highly unlikely that practicing "being with your pain" will actually do anything to help me during labor.

7. Women who teach you how to "effectively" get through labor and have no children of their own should be banned from the profession. (This is particularly true when their advice involves imagining eating the most delicious chocolate chip cookie you've ever had while having a contraction and chanting "Mmmmmmm.")

8. It does not make you a bad mother if you would prefer that someone wipe your freshly emerged baby off before putting it directly on your least I hope not.

9. There is nothing like being in a room filled with heavily pregnant women, all of whom run to the bathroom every two minutes, all of whom need to snack at least twice during each class, all of whom are mildly annoyed that their husbands just have to learn how to "support" them and get to bring a cooler of snacks to the hospital while they suffer the misery and agony that is childbirth.

10. You will poop. Someone will clean it up. And this is the most shocking thing of all, apparently you will not care.

Armed with this incredible wealth of information, I am prepared to have a fabulous birth and child rearing experience. Now I just need the child!

(Image Credit: I have also learned that one can never own too many things from Baby Gap.)

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