Thursday, January 24, 2013

Have You Been Watching...


 ...the Bachelor!? It's back! And Sean, the loveable Christian Ken doll from Emily's season is every girl's future ex-fiance.

Let's talk about the most important thing first. Is Sean a virgin?! Is it possible to both have his abs and be a virgin? After my extensive (aka looking at a few gossip sites) research, I think that he may have dipped his proverbial toe in the pool a few times, but has since "revirginized." Despite the fact that I think that entire concept is utter nonsense, good for him. It makes the show more interesting.

In order to prepare for this post, I went to look at some of the bios of the cast of characters on this train wreck of a show. Let's review some of the true standout answers that make this group of women "impressive" (as Sean says).

Kacie B, Sean, Amanda, Kristy, AshLee, and Lesley! Noticing this hair trend makes me want to throw out my curling iron.

Kacie B: This is round 2 on The Bachelor for Kacie. Yikes. Kicked off once, shame on your. Kicked off twice...you know how that ends. When asked the title of her favorite book, Kacie responded: "It's so hard to choose just one. I've read so many." Only a person who has read a number of books she can count on her fingers would say this.

Amanda: I am starting to become skeptical of women with this name. But, that's another story for another day. She is kind of a creepy lurker. However, if her accessories tell us anything, she likes J.Crew, so she can't be that bad, right? When asked about the most romantic gift she's ever received, she responded, "I was offered a Prada bag or the same amount of $$ [sic] donated to a charity that we would volunteer at. (I went with the second.)" You may have gone with the second, Amanda, but your need to clarify that tells me that you were jonesing in a bad way for that Prada. Sean and his Christian heart would not be down with that.

Kristy: Kristy is a model (no qualifier). Amanda is a "fit" model. Apparently there is a difference. Kristy is manic, particularly when it comes to modeling for the covers of romance novels, and obviously not Sean's type as she already got the boot. Kristy was asked to describe her ideal date, and she said, "My ideas are endless, I imagine exotic places, where love literally fills the air." Okay, not to get all grammarian on her ass, but first, what is going on with that punctuation? And second, um, love "literally" fills the air? Where is that place? How is this possible? Thank you, Kristy, for further confirming that brains and beauty rarely keep company nowadays.

And then there is AshLee F: For starters, how great is her name? Amazing. She was adopted by a pastor (Sean is shouting words of praise!), and she made Sean cry on their first date (score!), which was a trip to the amusement park with two random teenagers who have serious medical problems (always giving back!). I am one hundred percent convinced that these two (AshLee and Sean--not the teenagers) are quite possibly soul mates or at least God-mates. The angels are singing a hallelujah chorus for this match.

Lesley is currently coming in second in the race in my opinion. She is kind of cool, actually. Like I might even hang out with her in person. Like she might even have an education. But, she doesn't sweat Jesus from her pores. This is going to be a problem.

With all this fabulousity around, how will Sean ever decide?

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