Monday, May 28, 2012

Monday Musings: On Nudity


This has been on my mind for a while. And now I want it to be on your mind...actually that is probably quite cruel. I am a girl who grew up without knowing what happened inside locker rooms. In middle school, I played sports, but middle school girls' locker rooms are pretty tame. No showers, minimal nudity, and minimal lady parts to be seen (both because we were self-conscious then and because we just didn't have any yet). In high school, I managed to fulfill sports requirements with intramural squash and a smattering of aerobics classes--again, I was spared the locker room experience. In college, not only did I not compete on any teams, I also did not exercise. At all. Never. (To say that those were not my most fit and fabulous years would be an understatement.) And then I moved to California. And I joined Equinox.

Equinox is a high end gym. Most people work out in full lululemon ensembles. Everyone has shoes they clearly only wear in the gym because they are always clean. You don't have to spray down your own equipment because there are people to do that for you. They provide Kiehl's bath products in the bathroom. Classy. But, the locker room--not so classy. This is where I am not sure if what I witness each morning warrants shock and awe, or if my lack of experience with locker rooms has made me so naive as to imagine that all people are as prude as I am.

I have been trying to rock the pre-work work out, which means arriving at the gym before six. This is actually quite a popular time. The locker room is always packed, particularly at seven when spinning and ViPR classes let out. There are four or five showers with opaque curtains and four or five with glass doors. I always take the opaque curtained showers, even if it means I have to sit and wait for one to open up. I always put on my underwear in the shower stall. I always get dressed before doing my hair and make-up. Always. But, I am an anomaly. And so I get to my point. There is a woman who is always in the locker room at the same time as I am. I think she may be a yoga instructor, or a spinning instructor, or some kind of general fitness freak. Now if I were going to have to look at anyone naked, why not her, you might be thinking? Surly she must be toned and terrific. Well toned and terrific or not, the moment she gets into the locker room she strips down. Buck. Naked. Someone wants to talk to her about class? Naked. Want to see the bruises on her ass? Anyone is welcome to check 'em out. Teeth need to be brushed? Naked. Put up some flyers about a "Flat Belly Symposium." Sure, better do it naked! Someone drop a hairbrush underneath the lockers? She'll bend right down and get it for you. Naked.

Seriously? Even the most toned and terrific people should not be aloud to expose their assholes for the world to see. I am really putting it out there people, but I do not want to know what this woman's lady parts look like. And I do. Because I seem them in all their glory e-v-e-r-y morning.

She is a class-A nudity offender, but there are others. And they are not so fit and fabulous. In fact, I now fully realize why we, as a species, wear clothes. And generally like to fornicate with the lights off. Good choice, humankind.

I know that body confidence is a good thing, that we try to cultivate it in young girls, that we fight the media that tries to work against it. But, I actually think that American women have no problem with strutting their stuff if the Equinox locked room is any indication. I, on the other hand, did seriously contemplate wearing a robe while readying for my day. The only reason I haven't is because I am afraid that people like sexy, naked-bender-over yoga lady will judge me. Ain't that ironic.

1 comment:

  1. I've started going to the gym recently, and I deal with this E-VER-Y day. The only people more annoying than the ones walking around naked are the ones that walk around WITH a towel.....but it's on their chest or their shoulders, covering up anywhere BUT WHERE THE GUY IS SUPPOSED TO COVER HIMSELF. Ridiculous, I tells ya.

    By the way, this is cousin Zach! :)

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