Friday, April 20, 2012

Fabulous Friday

Kismet. Fate. Chance. Luck. Fortune. Destiny. Karma. Today, I am celebrating the sometimes fabulous timing of the universe.

When it comes to making decisions, I am prone to mulling over something forever, becoming overwhelmed and sometimes impetuous, and then just going back to mulling. I often find myself frozen with indecision. Then there have been a few times in my life where I have very clearly seen what I like to think of as kismet at work. In those moments, a decision I was trying to make somehow got made for me...

Now, I want to preface this anecdote with the sometimes unromantic notion that I don't believe in soul-mates. I think that there is probably more than one person in the world to whom I could be happily married. That being said, I am glad that I found and married the person I did, and I attribute the blessings of my relationship heavily to good old kismet. A few months after my "boyfriend" and I started dating, we got into a terrible fight. I remember opening my mouth to say something potentially hurtful, something that would have certainly ended our relationship (we were only teenagers afterall and just figuring out how relationships were supposed to work, and I certainly was not very adept), and the words that came out of my mouth were not the words that were running through my mind. To this day, I can't explain why I said what I did say instead of what I planned to, but I look back and realize that that was the moment my life changed.

And then it happened again. I will be vague on purpose, but I was in the desert this past weekend and the desert is a place where it seems that self-reflection just assaults you, hits you over the head, and insists on staying with you until you leave and go someplace cooler. So, I was in equal parts contemplating and worrying about dying of heat stroke, and I came to the conclusion that everything I am and have been doing is wrong. I have made weak decisions. I have been fearful. I have always played it safe. And, in a moment of extreme anxiety manifested by extreme gastro-intestinal pain, I decided that that had to change. I had to change. And if that meant that I would leave my current profession, live (at least temporarily) on the verge of poverty (yes, in my more lucid moments I am fully aware that the financial existence I bemoan is actually FINE), and take a chance, Goddamnit. Cue: Many tears. Dire stomach ache. Extreme feeling of loneliness. (See the above description of pondering, impetuousness, and back to pondering.)

And then there was kismet. Someone I had tried to contact a few times earlier in the year about making one of these aforementioned changes wrote me back. That afternoon. After not receiving a response for six months.

Now nothing has come of this contact as of yet, but I was able to resume breathing at a normal rate. In that moment, I wondered at the timing of life. Timing gets a bad rap. We blame all those elusive "its" on the timing: "No, this isn't a good time for me." "Oh, if only our timing were better." "It's not you, it's just bad timing." But, timing deserves a little credit because sometimes it gets it so right.

I do believe that sometimes the plans we make for ourselves are interrupted by some larger, perhaps more significant plans. Right now I'm going to wait and see if this time is the right time (for what, you'll have to wait and see--as will I.)

But sometimes timing, life, fate, and all those forces beyond our own flawed and frantic minds are pretty fabulous.

No comments:

Post a Comment